WTF
My friends really need to put down the beer and pick up a book now and again. Here's the message I just got from one of them (via facebook email since standard email is too confusing):

I need someone, like you, to hook up some electric equipment.
Im not goood at that!! I want to know what my roommate is up to?
I have the equipment. I just dont know how to do it!! I hate that.
Can you help me? Im off tomorrow, meaning Monday. I need to see
my dr. at 3, call me when you get a chance.....Love ya!

Coming to the bike race,hAHAHA

[1 Revelation | The Confessional]

HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I have a LiveJournal account?

My computer died months ago and my backup computer doesn't have the LJ bookmark I used to use at the top of my browser window. Out of sight, out of mind.

This reminds me of the friends that I used to see everyday (like at work or school) but don't anymore for whatever reasons. In other words, people that aren't my real friends anymore because I'm too lazy to make an effort to steer my attention outside of my daily routine. If I don't at least see you online, you instantly disappear from my life. Yes; if we don't talk anymore it's because you enjoy the same status as a bookmark on a broken computer I can't use. SUCK IT BITCHES.

But no, let's get together sometime and drink it out.

Current Mood: nostalgic

[2 Revelations | The Confessional]

Bon appétit
There was a time when I had considered getting some professional culinary schooling in me as my wisdom gathered from endless hours in front of the Food Network (and endless hours in the kitchen creating masterpieces) was reaching a plateau. This is just back-story. Over years I accumulated knowledge of food preparation, sauces, meats, etc. and I can really show off if I want to. For example, I am currently cooking the entirety of a three-day-expired pound of bacon I found in my refrigerator for tonight’s dinner. I’m thinking casual dress.

[1 Revelation | The Confessional]

This is cool.

[The Confessional]

I swear to God I’m not going back out there ever again.
I stepped outside today to have a quick word with my coworker, James, who was out by the dumpster.

I like to satisfy my curiosity - so when I learned the dumpster had just recently been emptied of its contents, I decided to peer into it. Now, I’ve seen films and television programs such as Gremlins, Alien, Doctor Who, and the like in my day, and have had a benign relationship with them until today. I now consider them to be training videos.

I say this because every time I go to the dumpster for something I am confronted with things that fall under the classification of "scary fucked up shit." Today I discovered what I am 100% sure are the remnants of an alien egg.



Current Mood: calmer than you are

[The Confessional]

The Holy Hand of Zen
I've punctured the palm of my hand with bale wire. It went deep as my hand was moving very fast at the time. I'm calling it wire, but you have to imagine something as thick as a standard wire hanger. Just greasier.



Everything is tingly from my fingers to my elbow.

Current Mood: sore

[4 Revelations | The Confessional]

It's Always Sunny Here
Today I watched a crew tape scenes for It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia for around 30 minutes at City Hall. The scene had Charlie (Charlie Day), dressed as Green Man, tossing a volleyball at Dee's (Kaitlin Olson's) face. For reasons yet to be revealed, Dee had a deep fake tan and a curly black wig on, and holding a mic as if she were a reporter. Mac (Rob McElhenney) was there too, but behind the scenes.

I accidentally walked right onto the set and sat down. I was shooshed away after nearly 60 seconds of being there. Apparently, everyone around me were actors to set the scene for the background. Oops.

Current Mood: amused

[2 Revelations | The Confessional]

Buzzed my scalp.

Do I look silly?

Current Mood: rejuvenated

[1 Revelation | The Confessional]

today

I nearly passed out while innocently eating my free lunch today. Myskull felt like it was vibrating. My eyes lost the ability to focus. The feeling came on with such intensity that in the few brief secondsthat I had to consider what was happening to me I imagined a blood clotgetting snagged in my brain and ending my life. I accepted my fate.Yep, this is what was happening. I only hoped I didn't have food stuckin my teeth or something equally as embarrassing when I met my grizzlyend next to the salad bar. These thoughts all seemed perfectlyreasonable to me within the context of having only seconds to ponder myunavoidable death.

After a few more seconds to review [because I didn't die], I was scared shitless.

WhileI was glad I was seeing that my end took place where I have alwayspredicted it would (in a supermarket), I wasn't ready to check outtoday. I wasn't even sick. And I didn't see Indiana Jones yet. Havingno idea what actually happened, I have decided that I need a MRI. Buthealth insurance first, I guess.

This bullshit wasn't even themain event of the day.  When walking to the dumpster to rid mydepartment of garbage, I was confronted with the sight of four of thebiggest birds I have ever seen with my own eyes. The avian monsters(which I learned are called Turkey Buzzards) were a frightening sightwhen they were just standing around not doing shit.  After spreadingtheir 6-foot wingspan and slowly ascending to the edge of the roof theywere absolutely unnerving. These things should not exist in LafayetteHill, PA.

I snapped a picture of them with my iPhone after theyhit the roof. The shitty image does not correctly portray the darknessthey spread over the area. The two on the right even look like ducks.Ducks are silly; these were demons. Only the one on the very left hintsat their sinister nature. [Interesting side note: sinister also means"on the left side". Weird.]

So, I get glimpse of a few ominous birds hanging out by a dumpster and then almost die. Not cool!

[The Confessional]

I continue to maintain that Dickies brand pants are the best use of polyester and cotten to date.

[The Confessional]

Shedding
I've lost 20 lbs.

Current Mood: amused

[1 Revelation | The Confessional]

DONE.
Calculate and file taxes.

[The Confessional]

No Hangover

Greedily consuming a massive amount of bourbon isn't recommended.  But if you have to, be a man about it.   This is the embarrassment left in the wake of one pretending to know how to drink.  Ladies and gentlemen, this is a man, who is much younger than I, struggling with the reality that he can't hang with the big boys.   The magnitude of his disrespect for my sofa is appalling. 

Seriously though, I have no idea why I'm 100% fine.  I drank enough Maker's to chemically castrate a horse.

Current Mood: accomplished

[The Confessional]

wound up
Sleep just isn't working. I'm too excited to go back to work after a day off? Actually, I was napping all day.

The optimal amount of sleep is not a meaningful concept unless the timing of that sleep is seen in relation to an individual's circadian rhythms. A person's major sleep episode is relatively inefficient and inadequate when it occurs at the "wrong" time of day. If it were 5 hours ago I could take a sleeping pill and not have had to look up the preceding.

Current Mood: cranky

[The Confessional]

Raillery
There are about five us outside as I'm unloading my produce out of the truck yesterday, including Butcher Billy. Bill is acting goofy, cracking jokes, purposely handing off cases in a clumsy fashion; you know, an annoyance.

The boss walks over and says, "Bill, I don't know if you are helping here or slowing things down." We all laugh for a moment before he followed with:

"It's like laying next to a girl without a cunt."

Current Mood: happy

[The Confessional]

The chick needs penetration.
There's a 17 lb. turkey in my oven and I just found out that my nifty electronic probe thermometer is broken (it says it is 217° in my kitchen). It was my bestest cooking buddy next to my cast iron pan.

Funeral services will be announced tomorrow.

Current Mood: crushed

[The Confessional]

Sons of bitches.
A friendly candid shot of Drew applying his expertise at the store carving station…?



Or irrefutable evidence of larceny, betrayal, and his overall defilement of my department?



Release the hounds.

Current Mood: quixotic

[The Confessional]

Hold the phone.
Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute... is Sweeney Todd a goddamned musical?

Current Mood: annoyed

[4 Revelations | The Confessional]

Holy Shit
Bill Nye is on the Discovery Channel. New Bill Nye. Neat.

[2 Revelations | The Confessional]

Did you know there's no subject - post anyway?
I cry because of if I wasn't I'd be laughing.

[The Confessional]